My Life within Me

10:06pm:
Spent the day in the rain with my boys, yet they are my rays of sunshine. Even when doctors look at you and this look of disbelief seems so radical across their face, even when they say it could months before they could do anything, even when your Dad is undergoing massive surgery, even when your friend suddenly decides to bail… I know that I can sit in their back yard and smoke/cry/even scream and yell without them flipping out. It was particularly cool that it started raining though and we still sat out there getting soaking wet. I did feel mildly better till I got home and now it’s all gone (all their good vibes) and it’s just me starring at this blinking cursor wondering when is everyone else going to bail. I just need to clean up the mess and cry myself to sleep and tomorrow will suck all over again and most likely the next but maybe one day it won’t, I guess that’s why I hang around… waiting for the day that it doesn’t suck. Kiss my negative ass I guess… how can anyone talk about someone being negative when if they were in these shoes would be what fucking chipper? Yeah thank god you can walk, have a job, and can basically do everything it takes to be normal… must be nice. By the way that’s not aimed at you.

10:02am: It's sad no one including myself uses this anymore.  Man I used to write two or three times a day now if I even visit once a month it's no shocker that no one else has visited.

11:49pm:

So I went to AA today, it was like the only thing I’ve heard of that deals with substance abuse… so I had to try it, anything is better than nothing right? Well when they asked who was new… I was the only one and when I told them what I was there for the guy told me that this was just for people that have drinking problems. I was so embarrassed I felt like running out crying, which I almost did but this lady followed me and talked to me. Another lady came out and told me of another group I could tonight, I was on the brink of tears I was so embarrassed, she hugged me and repeated the offer but the other lady was talking to me so I decided to stick around to hear what she had to say. It took so much not to cry… you have no idea how embarrassed I was. They said NA would be better for me, I don’t really feel like hard core drug addicts might help me but then again it might who knows. 

 

She told me of the “Big Book” which I had no idea what it was I assumed the Bible. But it’s not it’s a book for people with Addiction. They have AA books but this one is for all kinds of abuse and even how to deal with the underlying problems that cause addiction. Those ladies hung around around for a while but there was this guy sitting at the end of the table just quite and saying something every now and then but other wise quite. I kept glancing at him not because he was hot but because he seemed to be waiting on something. When the ladies left I thought I’d get up and leave but then he came down and set across from me and talked to me. He was curious about my addiction and I was kind of curious how such a good looking guy could end up in AA. 

 

So we talked I didn’t expect the conversation to go on till we were the last people there. He had some hardcore problems but he seemed more interested in what I had to say rather than talk about his problem. He said he’d met pill popper but never had he heard of a case like mine. We had similar stories about trying random hardcore drugs but for him drinking was what took the cake and for me Tylenol PM was always my fall back and became a huge problem. So he has some problems with smoking weed and said he wanted to go to NA but was kind of scare for the same reasons I am. When you have an addiction to drugs that don’t really seem that bad it’s kind of scary to think you are sitting across from someone that has a serious crack addiction. I was thrilled after my embarrassing experience people talked to me and told me they did both NA and AA. I don’t drink, AA isn’t the place for and boy did that get thrown in my face to the point of tears. But plenty of people didn’t seem offended that I came there and told me sometimes NA and AA more than often go together. 

 

But John sat at the end of the table for like an hour drinking water and seemed to be waiting his turn to talk to me, well that’s the impression I got. Probably not but it’s nice to think. We talked crazy talk, everything nothing was off limits. Relationships, he’s unemployed right now too, and he lives with his parents and has been sober for 23 days. That’s amazing, go John. But I didn’t expect him to ask for my number. So of course we could go to NA as noobs together and hopefully we wouldn’t feel so alone. I REALLY like John and he’s probably not into me at all but wishful thinking right. I don’t care if someone has a problem, I have problems… I’d so never hold it against anyone. No I wasn’t going to AA to hook up for god sake and we just talked which felt amazingly good. No one told me that I knew better or I should just stop. You have to reach out, I know I can only reach out to Denise and God knows I absolutely love her for it but she doesn’t have a problem like me. It’s great to vent but I want to vent as well to someone that’s been there or is there. I want to meet people like me.

 

The one lady that followed me out of the very embarrassing, you aren’t a drinker this isn’t the right place for you speech, told me things that absolutely baffled me. I was nothing in comparison to her. Like she’s been sober for 16 years and now does sponsorship (where new drinkers have someone to call and be honest with, support really to help them get threw the hardships of the journey.) She told me that her problems was whiskey. She had to have a glass in the morning instead of coffee, to cook food for her family she had to have a drink, to go to the store she had to have a drink… just about anything you can think of that’s normally everyday thinks she had to drink to do. If she got still it was over with, her day ended and she drank till she fell asleep. At least my problem was really only once a day. The older men were not friendly at all other than John but he wasn’t older, there were a few younger guys but they kind of had group thing going on. There were no women my age at all.

 

One thing that irrated me was that they said drinking was a disease. Implying what happened to me was just drug abuse and not as important. I hate to tell you but what was happening to me was part of my depression and thusly part of a disease. It annoyed me a little but it’s all good really. I did love the fact everyone smoked, not that it’s good for them but rather that normally one addiction leads to another and smoking is very common once again I wasn’t alone.

 

God I am hungry right now.

5:45pm: No one reads this anymore

It’s a freaking tragedy that could only happen to me. So I go to the new employer and wait for five hours. They finally hand me some paperwork which included a w-4 which is totally normal. I turn around and ask the lady next to me which way is it that they take out the most taxes because I frankly like a nice return. She gets kind of crump on me and proceeds to tell the position is totally contract and they didn’t take out taxes, I just simply said… then why did you give me a w-4. She yanks the paper work out of my hand and marches into the head boss person’s office and not too shortly later comes back and tells me I can go home and that I was no longer needed. WTF, for the love of God I just asked a question.

 

Earlier someone was talking not directly to me about them hiring people for their New Caney office, like they would train in Houston and then transfer to New Caney. The same lady that got crump with me later confirms they are doing that, there is N O WAY PERIOD I was driving to freaking New Caney… 90 miles one way everyday six days a week for 9 dollars and hour no over time because you are contract. I did say at that time I couldn’t do that because of the drive, she didn’t seem to have any response to that at all at the time.

 

Later while freaking fuming, blood boiling, and large amount of cursing in my car it all kind of clicks. This might not be it at all but it seems logically. I said I couldn’t work in New Caney, at that time I had no idea that they only hired contract, so when she handed me the paper work and I questioned her about the w-4… she took it that there was no use dealing with me because I wouldn’t transfer and come on seriously contract work is bullshit… it’s their way of getting out having to insurance and worker comp… I have no patience for this crap at all anymore.

 

Is everyone that hires out there to SCREW every employee they can con? During the interview there was no talk about New Caney nor was there any contract talk… all she say was the normal 90 days thing. 

 

And you know what tops it off and this bitch is lucky she caught me off guard because as I am leaving completely confused she snidely remarks, “Oh and you aren’t getting paid for your time here today.” If I had not stepped out of a door that locked behind me that bitch would have lost her teeth… who the hell is vicious like that for no fucking reason at all? I didn’t do anything to her, I wasn’t rude, I sat there and did what they told me to do… goof around on a computer… they told me to check my email and stuff because they couldn’t do anything with me until I did the paper work.

 

I was fighting mad driving home and you know I was just bitching up a storm in the car… this is mildly funny. I look up in my rear view and there is this white suburban up my ass and there was really no traffic around for anyone to ride that close. I am sure I changed colors when I heard a siren, how could I get that screwed in one day… so I go toward the shoulder thinking I should have just shot myself this morning, then he flies past me. In the prior bitch fest I spoke of it seemed minor at the time that a freaking one of those low rider Mexican trucks was flying and all over the freeway. I am sorry about the Mexican I just don’t know how else to describe the truck.

Then immediate tail lights every where right at the east ward side of the San Jac ship channel bridge, where all the walls are up because of the construction… you know it you’ve been there. The cop car totally runs that truck into the wall, buried that truck into the wall… I thought the cop clipped him or something and he spun into the wall but this was bad and seemed like the cop intended to do it. It happened so fast I actually skidded sideways to not hit the car in front of me just to be horrified by hearing screaming brakes and skidding tires behind me, no one else got hit but traffic came to a stand still. I was close enough to actually see the people in the cars, this was no accident, the cop rips the bleeding guy out of the mangled truck and nails him to the ground and cuffed him. I was like MAN, I thought I was having a bad fucking day.

 

It briefly went on the radio news, the guy in the truck had been pulled over prior and he got out of the truck like the cop asked him to and the other officer in the suburban got out and looked around the truck and talked to the passenger… they had pulled him over because his truck was so low to the ground it was making sparks which is illegal. What the cops didn’t know was they were dealing with two methed up Mexican that downed like 3 grams of coke when they originally saw the cop light… they were flying like kites. But they seemed ok at first but when the first cop notice white dust around the nose and mouth of this guy he wanted to do a body search like the pat down kind, not slapping on the latex cloves or anything… the guy goes ball-listic when the officer touched his boy bits and wells out on the officer punching him hard core in the face six times as well as kneeing him in the stomach several times. It took the officers a moment to pull it together and call in it because one of the officers in profusely bleeding from the face but they pissed off the wrong cops. Screw that calling in for back up… they switched drivers and the officer that hadn’t been beaten was so pissed he was straight up going to put these idiots in pain and he did. It seemed so dramatic to me cause I was like right there and saw the one cop with the busted up face which I assumed was from the wreck. My day suddenly seemed like a cake walk.

 

They cleared the road pretty quick no news crews showed up or anything, it was like apparently no big deal. I honestly couldn’t stay mad at that point, esp. after hearing what actually happened on the radio. I kind of felt for those poor idiots, meth is an evil fucking drug and it gets you like with a whiff… I’ve seen, met, and heard stories of people I knew in high school that were cool as shit and like they completely destroyed their life with meth. I always feel for the under dog. But man after my day I was pumped for those cops… vengeance is awesome. At least someone got what they deserved on my shit-tastic day.

2:29am:

Wishing upon a falling star

That for just one moment

I could see you just once from afar

9:50pm:

So I'm different almost everyone that's ever met me kind of guesses that.  I thought in High School that it was just a unfair game of who popular and who's not, nothing like growing knowing you are definately an outcast.  Of course I knew I was different.  I hate to make the comparison but it's kind of like someone just knows they are gay... no reason that's just the way they are right?  I AM NOT GAY!  I'm bipolar, such an over used worn out lazy doctor's cure all illness... here take these anti depressant and bam your cured.  I'm not one of those cookie cutter cases.  I've seen Dr. Paul for three years and the only thing he's really fixed was my panic attacks (which if you didn't completely took me out of commission for some three years... I could hardly walk, they thought I was having seziures... they were wrong).  When Dr. Paul gave me the offical diagnose I was slightly pissed and reliefed at the same time.  I was mad because how could all this very real attack like things be a result of some nerotransmitters going of in my head... I thought they were telling me I was crazy.  But research kind of calmed me down, it's not all that uncomman... it's just different versions that weren't quite like mine but everyone is different. 

Anyways... it's been 8 years, I remember the exact day Oct 30,2001, since I could just live... ever since I've been holding my breath thinking it will undo itself.  I wonder if it will ever be any different.

The problem is the people around me.  To me having Bipolar Depression, Borderline Personality Disorder, and Post Tramatic Stress Syndrome is so normal, I can't remember a day that I didn't have these problems.  I love the people around me... the few, but I just don't know what to do because apparently I am never doing enough.  I HATE WHEN PEOPLE PUSH ME, I know they think it's for my own good... their intentions are completely noble.  I wonder though... in the past 8 years if they've noticed that I really don't change I just rearrange.  I've accepted their way of life, their choices, and I try to do my best to show them what they want to see.  But I sit back and wonder where am I in this whole thing?  I want to make people feel good and by no means do I want anyone to worry.

But seriously I can't sit down and even list three things that seriously make me happy.  Well hanging out with Denise is pretty much the highlight of my life.  I tried doing the casual dating thing after the divorce and absoultely NO ONE has even come close to remotely likeable.  Of course I do love to write but it's thusly been a great waste of time no one is ever going to read my work, though in college I have to admit it made me insanely happy to have my professor hand my work back to me with not a mark on it and they'd tell me I was very original, that really made me happy.  But I can no longer afford college so there that goes down the drain.  I guess I really love the beach but it's not really happiness at Bryan Beach, it's a feeling like I am at home... it comforting.  Outside of Mont Belvieu, Lake Jackson was the closet thing to home I know, I'd move back there someday, I really miss Brazosport College.  Of course I did really also love Slam Poetry at MOTM, but that died out in 2003.  Yeah I read but really how socially inclined is reading unless you are in a book club or something, and the only one I know of is a Si-Fi club... Ekk... run, hide, take cover...  LOL Farm Town is kind of Addicting but it doesn't make me happy oh and I like to play Sims games and GTA.  I like collecting DVDs but there is no love there.  Like I said I can't narrow down three things that make me happy other than hanging out with Denise.

So I got frustrated... more pissed off... not at anyone, just the situation... the repeating situation... and completely shred my room.  I threw away damn near everything that remind me of any bad thing in my past except the pictures I couldn't bare to part with them.  My room feels sterile now... I feel like a stranger here and I like it.  I don't want to feel permentance... I want to feel as if I can move forward without being held back by my past.  It's easy to throw away the junk but getting it out of your head is a whole nother thing, I wished that was that easy.

I looked around for Bipolar support groups, shocker there isn't one anywhere near Baytown.  Then if you think about it, what happens when you introduce multipul Bipolars... well from my experience you are setting yourself up to watch people die faster than freaking cancer.  7 people in 8 years and I wished desperately I had never met them, it kills hope when another one passes away.

I've always said Depression kills just like cancer except normally faster.

If you have read this far... I am terribly sorry.  But if you read it and can relate please let me know, depression is the most isolating illness I can think of it's a comfort to know some where out there is someone else that is just as lost.  Now if you read this and know someone that has these problems I'd like to hear from you as well, of course I don't know what it's like to be on the other side of this.  I know my family goes threw it but... I just seem to get confused by them maybe annoyed sometime but I know they love me and obviously that is not something I can by so I try to keep the peace.

11:33am: You know someday it's all going to be ok... I think.  I was dreaming about having this super talent meant to protect people and it was a really good dream, I didn't want to wake up.  Then we que my Mom... apparently I missed something or didn't get the memo because suddenly I am a horrible person that grates on everyone's last nerve.  I personally know that I am a lousy person to be remind makes everything so bipolarly wonderful  and makes me want to put a bullet threw my head.  I guess that's what you get for sleeping late.

11:17pm: You know of all the deaths of late I am most shocked by Billy Mays the pitchman.  That man was the world's best salesman EVER and after seeing and reading about him, he was very humble and respected by everyone that knew him.  There was no scandles, no tabloid stories, or one bad thing ever said about this man in the news.  So what Micheal Jackson was the King of Pop and Farah Facet a famous face but you know this guy was just now coming into his own form of fame and silently slipped off from a heart attack in his sleep.  I hope he didn't know what was happening and wasn't in pain, I now have a great respect for this self made man.

On the other hand there was Micheal Jackson.  The king of pop like Elvis the king of Rock n Roll they both suffered seriously from their fame just as Howard Hughes.  With great power comes great responsiblity.  Some of the most famous people in history died of self inflicted agony or completely lost their minds.  Some people can handle fame others can't.  I don't have any respect for Micheal Jackson other than the fact he really fought for his charities, noted as the Genius Book of World Records as the only person that fought for 39 different charities.  I guess dying millions dollars in debt he paid it back in a way threw these charities.  He was also the face of change in the music industry, next to Elvis he's the only one to rival Elvis' fame and notarity.

Poor Farah Facet, rectoral cancer... how rare is that in a women?  She dutifully documented her journey threw her own personal hell in hopes of enlighting and educating the world even after death.

1:58pm: Something is up with the parental units.  I'm not sure what though.  Dad spent all morning working in the yard while Mom played on the computer which is kind of unusal normally they both work on the yard together.  Dad continued on with his grinding pace and when finished just went in and laid on the bed.  Mom went outside and just sat out there, when I went out to check on her... her face said a lot.  I decided to get the hell out of the way and turn off the TV and go to my room.  If they are pissed at each other (which I doubt) I bet it's me.  I've either done something or didn't do something and they are arguing about it... I just know it's better to duck and cover just to be on the safe side of things, stepping in their way is seriously hazardeous.

1:43pm: I don't know what's up with Jody.  He was supposed to come by Monday, no show.  Tuesday, no show.  Yesterday no phone call or anything... this is totally not worth it.  He wigged out after he came back from LA, mad because I didn't wait for him to come by to say bye before he left... Denise and I went to a movie.  I was like... come on seriously...

Job hunting is hideous.  The internet is just swamped with these scam artist trying to make a buck off of stupid people.  I've had three of these type people call me.  When you ask them what position they are interviewing for they dodge the question, ask how much it pays... dodge... where it's at... dodge.  I am like wondering if there is any question I asked and they would have answered.

11:55pm: Denise and I went to see Year One, absoultely going to hell for it... but it's halarious.  I didn't know it was going to have biblical references threw out the whole freaking movie, which seriously shouldn't be made fun of but it's Jack Black... what cha goin do? 

Jody is off to LA for the weekend helping his Mom move, which I don't entirely understand.  He never mentioned anything about her moving before.  I haven't seen him in a couple of days, apparently I must sound depressed over the phone because he's always asking me what's wrong.  The obivous... I'm 28, live at home, have no job, have 6 bucks in my bank account, and pretty make am breaking out the marshmellows for the bon fire of what's left of my life.  No really everything is great!  Oh and to top that off his job is in limbo and God knows where he's going to be shipped off to when ever the powers that be decide to make up their fucking minds.  I feel like shaking Jody by the shoulder and reminding him of reality, if he moves for his job I am not prepared to have a long distance relationship and I can't go chasing another man's job.  But for now he's here and I just have to deal with all the possiblities.  I can't really put myself out there when there is a chance that one day he's up and going to have to move away.  Jody is a good man with a good heart and I see that, I like that, he knows what he wants.  And for some crazy reason that includes me, I'm just a broken medicated person with more baggage than a 747.  I am never going to be my Mom and just full of life, the life I don't have and never have had.  Keith expected me to someday change after I got "better," there is no better for me... I don't want someone thinking someday I am just going to grow into some beautiful butterfly.  I have one journal in which I tried to tell Keith in the beginning that I was not worth the hassel but he hung on with false hope and I never fullfilled my job as a wife.  I tried to run Keith off... it didn't work so I gave it a try and it didn't end so pretty.  Jody wants marriage, kids, and the American dream... what he doesn't realize is that I am not always beautiful as he lavishly tells me and sadly I can't honestly look in the mirror and say I believe him.  Every guy I have ever had a relationship with has called me beautiful... and then the truth sets in.

You know they say you have to love yourself before you can love anyone else.  But I did love one person passionately with all my heart and soul once.  I'd give anything for just a flutter of that sensation to come back even if for just a moment.  Am I to callous and jaded now for that to be possible?  All my life I have tripped and fallen over everything and failed at almost everything.  People wonder where my self esteem went... read the past 6 or 7 years of my LiveJournal and you'll see.  Jobs... failed, relationships... failed, I can't actually nail down anything I have actually accomplished.  But unlike my brother at least I still have my family and a best friend that has put up with me for years.  If I died tomorrow I can say at least I knew love once, have a relentlessly loving family, and a friend that just never gave up on me... I am blessed greatly for someone that can stare into a mirror and see a stranger.

Oh and facebook is freaking like a slap in the face, maybe that's way it's called facebook.  All my classmates seem to have it all, married, kids, houses, dogs, jobs... not one of their stories sounds as lame as mine.

9:54pm: So I fucked up again.  With Jody of course... I went to see him today, he was unpacking more.  I was talking to him and I could tell it wasn't what he wanted hear, it's just his demeanor.  But it's just carp that is going on that is making things difficult for me right now, he's always sunshine and rainbows...  It kind of annoyed me.  Well later we were just kind of hanging out and I know he has sleep apena and it's really bad, he can fall asleep at the drop of a hat.  Well he fell asleep on me and I actually tried to wake him up but no go.  I was sitting there looking at the walls not knowing how long he was going to be out.  Well I was kind of at a loss as of what I should do.  It's not like I was going to go threw his stuff and help him unpack, that's personal stuff and I have no idea where it should go.  He had laundry to do and I thought about taking it down and washing it but I didn't know where the soap was.  So I just left, I was a little frustrated... it's kind of disheartening when everything you say is just wrong and then boom he's asleep on me... I had plenty of time to think about this because he was freaking asleep and didn't even noticed when I moved out of his arms.  Well he called about two hours later and I was already home and was waiting for him to call.  He was upset that I left the door unlocked... it's not like I had a key and if any burglar or something would have came along, what would I have done anyways?  But that was his concern was that someone could have just walked in and robbed him not that if I had been there and such a thing happened I would be in danger and who's to say he would have woke up... jezz... I was practically doing jumping jacks trying to wake him up.  But regardless I fucked up, if I had fallen asleep on him I would have been mad if he just up and left me.  So next time I am bringing a book or something just in case.

But one thing that gets me is that everything I say comes out wrong.  I mean I am used to telling people about stuff that's going on in my life without fear of them not understanding or judging me.  I am an open book.  But it just seems like he doesn't want to hear anything unless it's positive, I am kind of in a lull right now.  No job, living with my parents, and finding out information too late... it's all killing me.  I just don't know where I stand, should I just be myself and remain open and honest with my current situation or have consideration for his I don't really need to know this policy.  Of course he reserves all rights to not want to listen to my crap, I don't hold it against him.

2:10pm: Why do people make up their minds a day late and a dollar short?  Why does it kill me that they did?  Yes I am with Jody and not going anywhere.  But my heart sincerely breaks for Bry.  Bry and I would never work out... there is just too much wrong with me for him to handle.  Ironically he broke my heart for the first time in 9 years, I am so normally gaurded and an arms length away so I don't get hurt but I threw all caution to the wind with Bry and it so blew up in my face.  But I sort of loved Bry, more than anyone in 9 freaking years... that's a fucking acheivement, I was married and had God knows how many boyfriends and some how Bry got TOO close and I let him, and when it was good it was really good but it didn't stay good.  I wished there was something I could do to stop looking back.  He said he never loved and I'll never forget that... if he didn't love me then he sure as hell won't ever start.  End of story right?  Yeah if you didn't particularlly love them back... it'd be flat over (bangs head into wall).

I didn't go to the job interview because A.) it's 43 miles one way and B.) guess what... it's a block and a half away from where Bry lives and I used to live.  Yeah the familiarity of it was enough to set me back and the freaking drive is insane.

12:32am: Trust is a big issue for me.  Not so much trusting others as it is with trusting myself.  My life has been filled with bullshit from every end, I've been full of shit myself and still catch myself at times.  Poor Jody doesn't really understand that.  Jody is great, he fixed my car's AC and now it's the northern blizzard, yay!  Then we went out to eat with his friend Izzy.  Izzy is kind of crazy in a cool way but wanted to hook up with Denise... I was like I don't think he's really here type but honestly he's a decent looking man, older but don't look it, and crazy about sex.  I laughed at him and you all know I don't care about talking about my sex life.  Izzy and I were just talking bullshit ya know... Jody was not laughing with us.  I didn't really realize how reserved he is about that kind of thing, later I was sorry for being well honest even if it was all in good sport.  I've been a freak and partied hard and I ain't ashamed of none of it, it's just stories of the glory days when nothing really mattered except having fun.  Well that's not how it is now, I can't really talk about that kind of stuff with Jody... it makes him kind of concerned, I'm like, screw that man... I was young and stupid and I've always been a little crazy, I am not shy and I'm not ashamed.  I honestly wished I would have just drank a few beers (which I don't drink beer but will if everyone else is) and kept my mouth shut.  But that's not really me... I talk shit with the best of them and laugh about it.  But I really feel bad that it made Jody feel uncomfortable.

2:13pm: I am not entirely sure Mom is over it yet.  But I am on the defense just in case.  But hey Jody is going to buy the eliptical rider from them, maybe that helps.  I've got the shakes today bad, I am praying that if I just stay out of their way I'll make it threw the day with out completely freaking out. 

Yesterday I, after getting chewed, sat and looked at pictures.  Keith seems like a million miles ago but I stare at those pictures and wonder if that's something I am willing to risk.  Keith was a knight in shining armor coming along to take care of my needs... but people change.  Everyone but me that is... my life is no different from 5 years ago, no job, living with my parents, and no direct plan of action.  But there are somethings about being with someone I do miss.  I miss cooking for someone, laughing over stupid shit, car rides holding hands... the smell of someone else's clothes, pictures hanging on the wall of smiling faces... There are so many things that just ironically seem to collide between Jody and Keith.  The difference... I believe Jody when he tells me I am beautiful and kisses my nose that he thinks is so cute.  Then I think about Bry which in no way compares to anyone else... he was totally different and left a hideous scar, but I trusted Bry which was by far the stupidest thing I've ever done.  And people wonder why I have trust issues... Bry, Keith, Sid... all of which just got tried of me and threw me away... do I want to risk that for the chance to have some kind of happiness?  I think so but it's not that easy, I have to try to not constantly compare and look for the bottom to fall out.

1:26pm:

Yeah it’s been along time since my Mom just flew off the handle… should have seen it coming. The past repeats itself trust me. So anyways my Mom keeps bring stuff home from the church but at the same time says she needs to throw so much away. Well she’s run out of room in her part of the house, now she’s moved in on what little I hardly have and wants to put stuff in my room. My room is small, cluttered, a complete disaster in their eyes. I don’t take care of my stuff… blah blah blah.  Yeah I get it, I’m not Vickie and guess what… never will be. So today she wants me to go load up some crappy old desk from the church and put it in my room. I said that I didn’t want it and that was it… “Get your lazy free loading ass out of my sight, I know it’s just too big of a hassle for you to do this, take out your damn trash if that’s not too much to ask from your hectic day.” Yeah Mom reserves swear words for those moments she wants to be particularly bitter. It took everything I had to just shut up and turn around, it’s not out of respect for I have absolutely no respect when they push me into things, I just wasn’t going to lower myself to arguing with someone that clearly doesn’t give a damn either way. It’s not like some old clunky desk with three freaking drawers is really going to help when you live in a tiny little box with big furniture and lots of stuff that has no where to go.

9:15pm:

I missed church, Denise was running late, and Jody was out buying furniture for his new apartment.  I don't feel so great either, the lack of my medication is apparently visually easily seen.  Dr. Paul looked at me and instantly knew what was wrong and freaked and demanded extensive blood testing.  He's worried about clotting and a possiblity of a stroke.  So I can't be out in the heat which some how makes it easier for blood to clot that was because of possible dehydration.  He asked why I didn't call and tell them I was out but I did THREE times.  His office staff just don't take things seriously and fail to tell the doctors or forget all together.  This happens everytime my meds are up for renewal.  He's told me before to tell them that I want to talk to him directly and he'll make it happen.  So he gave me a weeks worth of Lamictal which should get me threw till the meds come in.  I go threw assistance programs because my medications are so expensive.  One is 920 a month and another is 320 a month... and if you know me at all you know I never have money, EVER.  It's a pain in the ass to do these programs but it's ten times worse to go without the medication.  We talked about my sleep problems and he wants a sleep study done, we know I have a sertion problem (which is the lack of the stuff that makes you sleepy in the brain) and he does not think it's because of my longer term use of OTC sleep aids.  He thinks that the problem could have been caused by being put on birth control at such a young age for PCOS and I stayed on it for 10 years.  These days doctors just hand out birth control the instant a girl gets her period these days and it ends up causing long term damage.  Of course I did my PCOS and the typical treatment is birth control.  The problem is that you aren't fully developed when they give it to you and it messes with horomones and stuff in the brain.  Another irony is that my depression started around the same time.  Sertion is the primary cause of my depression... I either can't sleep or go into stages were I can sleep for days and I am always tried regardless.  There's always something wrong with me and this is just another typical tragedy... running out of medication.

At one point in time my parents noticed I was getting really bad and they blamed the medication and ganked it from me, I just got ten times worse.  I guess it was easier to blame the drugs for the problems rather than the depression is still there even while treated and sometimes it roars it's ugly head.  Dr. Paul freaked then and had even suggested me leave and go to a treatment facility for fear of immediate ending of medication, he of course doesn't know my parents and that they were just trying to help.  But one thing my parents can't control in my life (which drives them crazy) is my depression.  I know they try to push me along when I am lagging which doesn't help but they are just trying to help.  But ultimately it's all up to me and I know treatment has probably saved my life.  When I was sick and didn't know what was wrong with me for years the concept of death seemed very appealing.  After Keith (not because loss of love which never exsisted but rather another failure in my life) I wasn't sure I had anything left and that I was doomed to living with an untreatable/unknown illness that made me mildly crazy, death again seemed very appealing.  But I've been with Dr Paul for almost three years now and all of the emotional stuff isn't gone but it's controlled and I feel like I finally have some control over myself and my thoughts.  Before I could shut brain down when it was getting out of control, the mania drove everyone crazy... ah blah blah... ya'll all know this. 

I talked to a lady today in the waiting room that was there for the first time to see Dr Paul and she looked nervous, I remember that feeling.  But she asked me who I was seeing and how long I'd been going to see the doctor.  When I told her three years her eyes glazed over with this kind of tearful fear.  I asked her why she was there and nervously she shoved her sleeve up and it was covered in scars and I could feel the tears well up in my eyes, I've been there.  She leaned over and whispered, "I think I am going crazy."  I assured she was not and that there was most definately a way out.  She gave me her card, ironically she's a lawyer... she couldn't have been 25.  I gave her my phone number and said if she ever needed to talk to call me.

2:40pm: Jody got an apartment here in Baytown today, Sterling Bay (irony is that was where my ex moved when we first got together.)  I hate comparing the two but the situation seems so familiar, I wished I hadn't ever met Keith now.  Here's this great guy that is falling madly in love with me and I feel like I am constantly putting distance between us because I keep comparing him to Keith.  Damn it Debra get over it!  Jody has some major differences that are bonuses.  But like always I already sense the bottom will fall out of this one too... I thought Bry and I would make it and guess what the bottom fell out without notice.  But that's what I keep doing.  He looks at me and calls me beautiful or sexy or something and it's like hearing Keith all over again.  There is nothing that beautiful about me and I know when someone is laying it on thick.  But it shouldn't be that way, it's totally unfair to Jody, he isn't responsible for all the morons I've been with that promised me the world and fell threw.  I'm trying though but I'm terrified all at the same time, trust is not my greatest quality.  I don't know if I'll ever be able to just love someone hell it's hard for me to even like someone in the romantic sense, combine that with the fact the storyline falls real close to what I've been threw already.  Why did Keith have to show up and screw up my preception for the rest of eternity?  If I could just scream or something, let the frustration out somehow I'd be doing much better. 

Oh AND I'm out of medication... I'm going threw withdraws.  My eyes are constantly dilated, shaking, being more than tried, sick at my stomach, and of course I have anexity which isn't helping anything. 

10:34pm: So the silly boy came threw and we've gone out and had lots of fun.  He's wonderful and looking for the same thing I am.  Marriage, kids, a house, dogs... and so on.  I am a little hesitant though, I don't want to feel rushed like I did with Keith.  So I'll give a run down of his information.  He's a big guy, stands almost a foot taller than me and not fat but heavy set in a way that is portionate to his height.  He's origially for Lake Charles and has the most beautiful southern accent that I really like.  He knows about my problems and has no problem with the fact that someday he might have to stand by me threw some of it.  He bought me a beautiful watch today just because, I love it... he didn't have too.  Let's see he's 34 and works in the robotics field for chemical plants and he actually likes what he does and apparently gets paid very well.  He does travel alot but he's up for a promotion and thusly he won't have to travel as much.  But I am ok with that, my Dad traveled all threw my childhood and I'm kind of used to it.  But I am too tried to write more but I will.

12:05am: Ok Denise I must Rant
So I met this guy named Jody from Singlesnet.com.  We met at a resturant here in Mont Belvieu for lunch, which is ironic because we didn't actually eat anything, just sat around and I must have drank a liter of DrPepper.  He was really nice.  He's (if I had type) my type, big guy, a full foot taller than me and his weight is quite acceptable for a guy that towers over me (which would be a first).  He's got beautiful eyes, bright blue and bright smile, he just seemed very happy.  I need happy people in my life.  We talked about my trip to India, surgeries, my brother, and he made a point of stating he was looking for a long term relationship.  That's a first, but hey that's what I am looking for so it's all good.  We talked for like two hours, measured by how many times I had to go drain my bladder from all the soda I drank.  I might not have looked nervous but I figeted the whole time with the straw, my watch, my necklace... he of course being man and all thankfully didn't notice or at least I hope he didn't.  I'm like a toddler when I am nervous, I fidget, my eyes dart around (it makes me even more nervous when some keeps complete eye contact for too long, don't know why I just do), and talked entirely too much.  He even pointed out that he thought I had a cute nose (werid but still).  But he said nice things and has this lovely southeren accent that I can't help but like.  I admit it, the good ole boy appeal to me... whacked if you know me at all you'd think that was the furthest thing from what I'd want, but it reminds me of my Dad and all of his friends that talk fishing and hunting the whole time I was growing up, it's comforting in a way.  Besides there is the appeal of a hard working man putting food on the table and taking care of his family, stablity.  So it's a good note that he knows I want to have kids and that I have problems that might interfer, he wants kids up front too so I had to tell him about my problems.  He said he didn't care, (which this gave me false hope when he said) we could adopt if we had too.  But he seemed to be clearly intrested I am of course intrested or wouldn't be writing this spill.

Now Denise tells me I am over reacting when he didn't answer a text I sent him.  He called me shortly after we left the resturant and asked me what I thought of him and I told him, he was perfect (ok it was the only thing I could think up on the fly like that, it was stupid) But then later he sends me a text that said, I think you are sexy (not the first time someone has said that to me but...)  So later when I was out where I could get some bars on my phone I texted him back and even called... nada, nothing... he's supposed to go out with Denise and I tomorrow night to the comedy showcase.  I'm worried I might have scared him off or maybe he was just being nice and has no intrest at all in me, which is fine.  But I can't help but fret!  Here's this really great guy and I don't know if he's playing on the same side of the fence as me, it's driving me crazy.  I guess I'll find out tomorrow... but I really would like to know now so I could stop flipping out.  What's funny is that I don't flip out about guys, to me I am just waiting for disaster to strike, I rarely have much hope and thusly don't fret about stupid things like text messages.  So why am I flipping out about a silly boy that didn't text me?  Denise came up with a million reason he might not have got the message or he was asleep or this or that... which could be the case.  But this is me here, I wouldn't have any luck if it weren't for bad luck.

4:46pm:

3:00pm:

10:39pm:

I watch Defiance for the second time. Questions just baffle me about it. Yes the Holocaust really happened, I’ve been to Germany and felt the reality of all the surreal intensity. While there I could feel the death that happened so long ago it’s very real that their stories still loom there. Defiance is about the Jews that like the Biblical Jews wondered homeless for years, just like Moses. Are Jews still the chosen people? In the movie one thing sticks in my mind is a prayer they said while burying the people that died amongst them from natural causes or starvation, I’m not sure which. He said, “Choose another people, we are out of tears, out of blood.” The desperation they must have felt even though they weren’t dying in labor camps. I wonder if God forgives that kind of thing, knowing that they were so broken and discouraged. Just like the people of Moses’ people doubting the very reason they were there. Later in the movie they were running from the Nazi and they came to what looked like marsh lands that stretched out God knows how long, the commander was to a breaking point and frozen without a clue as to what to do. His brother walked up and said, “God is not going to part these waters we must move forward anyways.” History repeats itself. They ended up saving 1,200 people in those woods building a small city that included a school, nursery, and everything a city would need for 2 years in the same spot. Their children produced 19,000 today. That’s 19,000 Jews that wouldn’t be here if four brothers hadn’t stepped up and decided they weren’t going out without a fight. Special features rock.

 

God did the same thing with Moses is what gets me. They left seeking freedom from their oppressor and wondered homeless and lost faith while starving and dying. Did God actually save those people while letting 10’s of those others died horrible deaths? How did one man slaughter so many people?

12:36am: I was wrong it wasn't over.  I sat in my chair in my room and just stared for a long time.  I contemplated what the lesson God was trying to teach me threw this experience.  Then it hit me.  What if this is God showing me how easily life can be taken away and that I should start living not just making it by from day to day, because that day could be your last.  Just like a guy that left his house for a jog, I bawled for two hours straight listening to songs like "as the deer," (it was also the song I was singing when I woke up from surgery in India, to make it less scary), "Holy, Holy, Holy," and "East to the West."  I kept thinking God you don't have to take a life away for me to know that you are with me.  So now I've cried myself dry, I didn't even have it in me to call Denise and tell her, drained doesn't cover it.

I don't care if you aren't a Christian, but today if you would have been there you would have felt his presence and you'd know that this is his plan.  He gives and takes away, right.  But you know that was someone's daddy or maybe grandfather and poof gone, I hope not, I pray he makes it.  My heart is screaming but it's so loud I don't understand what it's saying.  I keep having flashes of what I saw and almost dread going to sleep.

I picked up photo albums and looked at the pictures of all of my misadventures.  I ran by a picture of Sid and it still burned but at the same time I thought, if I would have been laying face down on the side of the road dying I've had a great love, a best friend that could never be replaced, a family I don't deserve, and I know after tonight God is with me.  What else could a girl ask for?  I remember thinking the same thing I went into surgery.  Yeah I have my share of scars that sometimes out numbers the good things but those little good things are worth all the bad.  And isn't that what life is all about, searching for that moment of happiness... one moment of laughter, the cry of a baby, seeing someone you love again after many years just the way you remember them.

9:59pm:

God called me today, who knew a long drive around the neighborhood would end up like it did. I was just driving around Fisher’s Landing (a neighborhood next to mine) just smoking, wanted to finish up before I got home, just one more smoke. I drove by what looked like a toy but it seemed to have arms, I slammed it into reverse. An elderly man maybe mid-sixties was face down on the side of the road his glasses twisted from the way he feel to the ground. A gold watch was kind of handing on his hand. I was terrified, I was shaking so bad as I dialed 911, I called to him, “Sir, Sir!” He made a coughing like sound and I was shaking and too scared to check for pulse. Two joggers were coming our way and they ran toward us and I admit I was relieved, I being CPR certified was too scare to move. They said they couldn’t find a pulse, I almost collapsed but the 911 operator kept talking. It seemed like forever before I heard the sounds of Police and EMS. Then it was all a rush, I couldn’t move. The lady jogger walked up and hugged me, she noticed how shaken I was and asked me if I was ok to drive home, I could hardly move but I knew I could drive. It happened so fast after the EMT’s got there, not five minutes and he was loaded up. I asked one of the EMS guys if he was alive, he said he didn’t know they were working on him. In my heart I think he was dead. I stood there and prayed screaming to God, I prayed like I never prayed before. How long had he laid there before I saw him? I couldn’t cry. I was too paralyzed, I had almost drove right by thinking he was some kind of toy left out by kids. You know you always hear people say they think it was like a store model when they see a body, I thought it was some kind of toy but I had to take a second look. I drove home trying to smoke but was stiff all over and couldn’t even smoke. THIS IS ONE THING I WILL NEVER FORGET. He didn’t have any ID on him, the poor man was jogging, trying to stay in shape and next thing you know he’s face down dying, he looked like he was in good shape too. I keep wanting to tell myself he’s going to make it but I’ll probably never know and my heart tells me that poor man died and God told me to take the scenic route home to find him.

 

Today was odd, I kept thinking something was ominous. The trees were too green, it was just plain too perfect, some thing was wrong or going to go wrong. Even as Denise and I pondered dinner, I thought maybe I should just take her home and come back home and read. But if we wouldn’t have gone to dinner I wouldn’t have been driving that route, only God could plan this out. Did God just take a life away, or did we get to him in time did I do all that I could? That guy could be laying in a casket here in a week and I heard his final breath or cough, I’ll never know. Was God prepping me with the unnatural vibe I felt standing outside smoking with Denise? And why me, I was of no use other than to use my cell phone to call 911. I believe in God more than ever right now even if it was a life that was being taken away.

 

I came home and saw Mom and busted out into tears, I’m ok now. I took some Zantex but all the shaking and crying has subsided, maybe he’s alive and God is just putting his hand on my heart to calm me.